Super 8 - A Review
Super 8 is described by Wikipedia as a “film that tells the story of a group of children who are filming their own Super 8 movie when a train derails, releasing a dangerous presence into their town”. I, on the other hand, describe Super 8 as ‘The Goonies’ meets ‘Cloverfield’, with a hint of ‘E.T’ at the conclusion. That’s right - three films used as comparisons to describe it. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me, because this is the most accurate way to describe a film I can think of.
The big problem with the film is, to put it bluntly, that it’s pointless. Utterly, utterly pointless. That said, from beginning to end, it’s engaging. It gives you mysteries and then reveals the answers as the film goes on, keeping you hooked from scene to scene, especially after the train crash occurs. But still, after seeing the end, you don’t feel satisfied. You aren’t invested in the film and it’s outcome. None of the events are disappointing, so I find myself wondering what was wrong. The story was there, the action was good….so what was it?
And then I realised what it was, and immediately felt an overwhelming sense of shame. The reason? It’s the children. The kids are the reason this film didn’t get me invested - I wasn’t invested in the main characters.
I blame the fat one.
Perhaps the reason for this is the ‘Goonies’ comparison. Before you get mad, no I love ‘The Goonies’. That film is enjoyable, fun, and has this loveable retard in it:
If you laughed at him at any time, you were laughing at someone with a disability. Suck it up, you prejudice scum
No, the problem was perhaps that they weren’t the Goonies. At least in the sense that the children could have each gotten run over, one by one, and I wouldn’t have been fussed. Sure, there were a couple of likeable characters - the main character (Joe) and the girl he falls for (Alice) are vaguely interesting. But the fact is this - while he is working on solving the mystery of what exactly is going bump in the night and driving the town’s dogs away, his friends are talking about such irrelevant shit, that you feel like unleashing your rage on a nearby viewer, perhaps with a newspaper round the back of their head, like a dog being disciplined.
I’m not overreacting either - the kids are talking, literally constantly, in the background while you struggle to hear what Joe is explaining. This makes the whole mystery of the alien’s motives that much harder to understand. And one of the children’s faces bugs you. It’s not his fault, I understand that, but he has a startlingly horse-like face. On the plus side, if he can’t get any women, he can always wonder into a nearby stable and easily fit in.
And that’s another thing - the alien. This is where the ‘Cloverfield’ comparison comes in. You don’t actually see the monster until the last part of the film - around three quarters of the way through. Even then, you struggle to see exactly what it is. But it looks ridiculous. I won’t give anything away, because the whole appeal is waiting for the thing to show it’s face. But I will say this, as with the ‘Cloverfield’ monster, it seems like if you wondered onto an ice rink, it wouldn’t be able to support itself and would fall over continuously, ridding you of your monster problem.
Overall, this film probably is worth going to see. Yes, it does feel marginally pointless, bar one part of the conclusion. But it’s still one of those films that you do feel was worth the time you gave up for it, and that’s what I think that is what a film is supposed to do. It was difficult to accept the fact that the fat kid didn’t do the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ though.
If a fat kid doesn’t do this at parties, shun him.
Rating: 7 out of 10.
August 15, 2011 at 12:00pm
'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' - A Review
As I travelled in the car to Merry Hill, where we were going to watch ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’, I digressed from the irrelevant subject of the whether to say “Well, we all know what happens at the end of this movie, that’s inevitable”. My Dad said swiftly “Don’t ruin it!”. In reply, I said “But we know the monkeys win”. He did not like this, seeing it as a swift spoiler, and started yelling in my face, spraying me with spit as he did so.
"Bruce Willis is also dead at the end of Sixth Sense"
I apologise if this review has had the same effect on you, but I assumed, like the rest of my family, that the title and the fact that this movie was a prequel gave it away.
Prequels have never been my favourite type of movie - I watched ‘Casper: A Spirited Beginning’ a few years back, only to find his origins were disappointing and badly animated - his three uncles (who I am fairly certain molested him) were revealed to not actually be his uncles, merely three ghosts who adopted him to get out of trouble. Sort of like a greencard marriage.
So you can understand that I was wary when committing to this film. However, I was pleasantly surprised. This film has a lot to offer - in fact, I’ll go as far to say that this blows the Tim Burton remake out of the water. Though in fairness, that was a pile of shit.
"I still can’t believe you funded this!"
Coincidentally the only version I’ve seen is Burton’s version - I’ll get around to watching the original when I’m at University and bored in my sweatpants one day. But the real problem with that movie was you didn’t care about any of the characters - in fact, when the bad monkeys set the good monkey’s village on fire, I remember laughing at the way they screamed.
Call me a horrific child (and perhaps I was), but it just didn’t grip me. And Mark Wahlburg was in the lead role, which is always a mistake.
They seemed to analyse this and make up for these mistakes in the prequel - each character has a reason to be there, and the rise of the apes (spoiler alert, if you aren’t too bright) is completely logical. Without giving too much away, there is no way that a few monkeys could win on their own against the human race and take over the entire planet, even with their superior intelligence - the balance in power would have to shift over millions of years, making a long, dull film that centres unnervingly about monkeys having sex until they evolve.
"Who has two thumbs and got laid last night? THIS GUY!"
As the film progresses, you find yourself on the monkey’s side, rather than the humans. Considering they are the enemy in the next film for the most part, this is quite a feat. A downside of this is that I believe every person in the cinema left believing that having a pet monkey is a good idea, when in actual fact I heard that Michael Jackson had quite a few scuffles with his monkey once it reached puberty - which has got to be awkward when you both need the toilet.
My favourite line out of the film is a reference to the first (of which the film is filled with), when Draco Malfoy (or whoever he’s playing that is a slight variation) yells at Ceasor (the monkey) “Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!”. He delivers it quite well, I was surprised considering how ridiculous it sounded.
The actor who plays Ceasor may be a familiar face - Andy Serkis, a fantastic motion capture actor, who famously portrayed Gollum in ‘Lord of the Rings’ and King Kong in….erm….’King Kong’, presumably enjoying the monkey role due to the fact that ‘getting into character’ means he can hurl his faeces at other members of the cast.
I’ll buy you a pint if you can tell which is which.
As I said, it’s a fantastic film well worth a watch. I’ll be buying it on DVD and probably watching it in my sweatpants once or twice at University, drinking every time an ape grunts with my friends no doubt.
Why 2012 probably won’t happen
Since when apes came out of the trees and stopped throwing shit at each other, man has predicted the end of the world. It’s been done several times – in fact, between the year 30 A.D and 1920, the world has been predicted to end approximately between 45 and 220 times.
"It’s definetely ending this time"
Bear in mind also, that these are just the well known theories – not counting the nuts on the street wearing only a cardboard box to cover their genitals, yelling in your face to repent. In fact, only the other week I was in Manchester and saw a gentleman standing outside a shop, claiming that the world would end on May 21st of this year. This, of course, has since not happened.
In fact, I remember as a child being told that the world may end tomorrow. It didn’t. As well as this, some blokes back in the 1920’s prophesied Jesus returning to planet Earth and taking us with him to the kingdom of Heaven. When this didn’t happen, they said that they weren’t wrong, and that Jesus in fact did come back, but nobody saw him, so he went home. I somehow doubt that if Jesus came back and saw nobody around the immediate area, he’d say “Oh, fuck this nonsense” and go back to Heaven in a mood.
"Fuck it, send the floods again Dad."
The Mayan calendar is said to end on December 21st, 2012. This could mean a number of things – maybe the world will end. Or perhaps they just ran out of stone to carve into. Maybe the calendar maker couldn’t be bothered any more, taking into consideration the fact that he’ll be long gone by then. Or, most likely, perhaps his wife was nagging him about spending too much time on that “damn calendar” and asking him “what about my needs?!”.
Considering this is (approximately) the 221st prediction as to when the world will end, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet we’ll be okay. Sure, the world will end one day, but 221st time lucky? Perhaps not.
Also, the Mayan tribe would probably react in an uncivilised manner if a scientist were to try and have a theological debate with them. It would probably involve some kind of giant cooking pot and a hilarious situation with a sidekick who asks “How we gonna get out of this one boss?”.
South Park describes the relationship between the leader and the idiot beautifully with these two morons
Taking into account that there are countless documentaries on how it won’t happen and the primitive beliefs of the Mayans, I’d say it’ll be fine.
Juno - A Review (sorry Levi)
Juno is definitely one of ‘those’ films. You know, one of those films where the main character is an outcast of his/her high school, yet somehow, by some weird paradox, they are the coolest person on the face of the planet. One of those films that preach about being an individual, yet portray someone who is clearly disliked by the majority of people they meet for doing so. One of those films where the main character is smarter than everyone else at school, who are simply holding them back. Typically, they are ‘fighting the system’.
Because pretending to smoke a pipe is being an individual.
You know that type of film – and so do I. The problem with Juno is it is as stereotypical as a homeless man soiling himself in the street without care – the teenagers are kooky, the parents are wacky, and the grandparents are dead or ill. The premise (if you’re not familiar with it), is there is a girl who gets pregnant after having a romantic yet awkward and apparently hilarious first sexual encounter with her boyfriend.
We then see Juno go through the stages of pregnancy; having to tell the boyfriend and her parents that she’s up the duff is, to put it simply, so unfunny that I’d rather toss my cat in the road than have to endure that shit again.
Y’see, Juno herself lives in a world inhabited by idiots. And she is is supposed to be smarter. But alas, she is a moron too, but fails to realise it. She makes judgements about those around her without remorse; which is the typical kind of mindset of those people who go into their school one day with a machine gun and finish the lives of those she deems ‘unworthy’. These judgements are the typical sort of manner of this type of film: “There are the jocks, they are stupid and moronic, I hate them……There are the nerds, they are smart and one of them wants to have sex with me….There are the cheeerleaders, they are pretty but manipulative”etc. Just watch the scene in ‘Mean Girls’ where the dislikable lesbian is explaining to Lindsay Lohan which groups do what and you’ll know what I mean.
You’re not fooling anyone
And then we have Juno’s boyfriend, played by Michael Cera. His problem is he seems to think that being the awkward kid is hilarious in EVERY FUCKING FILM HE DOES. Well it’s not, it’s awful. It’s not cute and adorable, but unfortunately for the film industry and my sanity, he’s not going away, as he’s a popular tumour in the film industry. I’d like to see him pull off the awkward teenager when he’s 45. He’ll probably play an awkward adult, or appear on TV trying to portray himself as the tortured genius. Fuck that guy. Also, he’s not cute, he’s a very ugly boy.
Not pictured: The funny.
Throughout the film we see literally no events unfold, aside from Juno giving her baby to a couple who consist of a man coming on to the teenager carrying his soon-to-be child and Jennifer Garner (who I’ve never fancied, despite popular opinion she’s not irritating), who seems to be a bit warped in the head.
The irony of all this is that this is a true story, and they are the McCanns.
All in all, I give this film a 3/10. Juno’s activities don’t concern me, and I’ll throw this film in with the other films of this variety I thought were overrated – Nick and Norah’s Infinate Playlist and Scott Pilgrim vs The World to name two of them. Superbad was better though, I’ll give Cera that.
Insidious - A Review
'Insidious' is described by Wikipedia as a '2010 horror film’. That’s funny, because my description is it’s a film about why having children might not be for you, acted out by people who throughout the entire film you will be going “I know the face, but I can’t remember where they are from”.
But seriously – the whole film advertises the fact that a married couple who clearly have a lot of love for each other are under strain because they have three small children who make their life hell.
Maybe we should go pro-choice next time
And by ‘under strain’, I mean they have literally no time to themselves. The children cut horribly through their private life like a hungry pack of wolves. And this is even before the child in question gets possessed! It’s almost saying “next time, use a condom before you get it on with your man, you slag!”.
Then the child gets possessed, and here’s where things start to get weird and scary. And by that, I don’t mean ‘boo! Did I scare you?!’ scary, but more ‘Oh Jesus, I seem to have wet myself and will now not be able to sleep tonight without every light in my flat on’ scary. If this film is designed to make you look over your shoulder constantly when you’re on your own, then it’s done it’s job. For instance – last night after the film at my friends house, I was taking a wee, and was very aware of my surroundings – meaning I was constantly looking around, making sure I couldn’t be ‘got’ for want of a better phrase. It really did scare me – and made my wee not as relaxing as it should of been. It was a tense atmosphere.
Jesus Christ, I hate that face.
There are several characters who are all very serious about the whole thing, so fortunately we have the two comic relief characters – who’s names I can’t remember because I was clearly too busy laughing at their ridiculous mannerisms. I think they are supposed to be like the three stooges, but one man down and sort of okay at their job. So not like the three stooges at all really. Hmmm.
Without spoiling any plot points, I will say that it sets up nicely for a sequel, which I would very much look forward to seeing, only this time with an adult sized nappy and a seat to hide behind should the moment call for it. I would encourage people to see this film, as it is definitely reminiscent of an old school actual scary movie, rather than a modern movie, which seems to rely on quick shocks to scare you. That’s not scary – that’s just stupid.
This is scary shit!
8/10. Good film. Though, there is a lot of unresolved sexual tension between the mother of one of the characters and the exorcist, which is gross as they are old.
April 28, 2011 at 1:18pm
Diary Timez - 28.04.11
1.17pm - Used a ‘z’ in my title to be trendy. I think it worked.
As I sit here, packed up and ready to go back to Preston, I see my phone ring. It’s Adam, who excitedly asked “Has your student loan gone in yet?”. When I answered that I hadn’t checked my account yet, he sounded dissapointed. I think that was the point of the call - to ask me what I was going to spend it on, so that we could discuss buying useless but funny things with our loan, like a mini-fridge in the shape of Homer Simpson or someone’s soul on eBay.
After the conversation, I got back to watching Harry Hill’s TV Burp Gold. It’s always a good laugh. I looked at Harry Hill’s bald head with wonder, thinking about the possibilities of polishing it. Then I wondered something else - why on earth do people who aren’t bald always want to polish or wax the head of a bald man (or woman, if you’re particularly stressed)? If I was bald, would I spend countless hours in front of the mirror, polishing my head for extra shine? Do bald men do that as part of their daily routine? I have no idea, but I suspect they do.
Shadows of the Colossus - A Review
The Playstation 2 game ‘Shadows of the Colossus’ begins with a video of a bird flying through a picturesque landscape, past a man on a horse, with a dead body on the front of it. Automatically you are made aware of the storyline – he’s either trying to resurrect someone who has passed, or he has done a whoopsy and pushed someone down a flight of stairs when he got into a heated debate about the environment and is trying to dispose of the body. Fortunately it’s the first explanation - probably because the game of ‘ditch the body and leg it’ is more effective in a New York kind of environment with men who put horse heads in each other’s beds and insist that you “can’t refuse their offer”.
"I would talk to you, but unfortunately I have massive tumours on each side of my mouth"
Throughout the video it explains what’s going on to a degree – the woman is the man’s love and centre of his life, and, although insignificant in the most people’s eyes (the voices in the sky that give you instructions say “But she’s just a maid!”, which is a tad harsh really), your character, Wonder, loves her and wishes to bring her back to life as her death was both a great tragedy and not needed. The mysterious voices agree to help a brother out and command him to go mess up some colossus something rotten. Taking his horse, Argo (which strangely gets more attractive throughout the game, although maybe that’s due to the fact there is nobody but a dead woman, your character and the horse), he sets off into a beautiful and largely interactive landscape that boasts a massive plane which is fun in every sense of the word.
The first Colossus that you face is a big guy who really, like the other ones, hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just plodding along, minding his own business, when Wander decides to put an arrow in the back of his neck. Understandably they don’t take kindly to this and try to stamp on Wander, but much like that annoying ant who runs up your trouser leg, you as the character have to do your best to take the beast down. This is done through climbing on the colossi and stabbing them with your rather large sword (no euphemism intended) in the right spot – again, no euphemism intended.
As you wander on through the game, you are challenged by many colossi, all of which have a weak point you have to find and exploit it. All this for one woman – which begs the question, is she really that great? Can she be worth challenging what is essentially walking buildings to play scrabble on rainy days and watch bad movies with her? There wasn’t even that to do really in the time this is set in – football probably hadn’t been invented yet. Or playstation for that matter – all they had to look forward to was their next bath and hope that the black plague didn’t take them in the night.
Another fun past time in the game is annoying the local wildlife – I personally like grabbing on to birds by jumping off my horse and catching hold of them – hanging on until they fall to the ground and I scrape along like a owner trying to take control of a rather large dog but instead getting dragged along the floor by it. As well as this, there are lizards you can chop at or shoot with your bow and arrow, either causing them to fall and struggle to roll over to get back up or dying so you can eat them. It’s a cruel world, but fair.
Not pictured: Shameful bestiality
The last colossi is actually a building that you climb and and stab in the face. You can see why they would be irritated really. The feeling when you get to the top of a colossi and are clutching on for dear life is amazing – the graphics are relentlessly beautiful and thoughtful, and it is incredibly obvious to the casual observer that a lot of work has gone into this game. The only thing I can complain about really is the way the character runs - he seems to run like Forest Gump did when he had those leg braces on (in that film “Forrest Gump” I believe – what kind of a name is that? That really does irritate me, particularly because he loves his mother despite him being given that name).
In my opinion, rightfully so – the game developers have made a masterpiece. The journey really gets you attached to the character and, indeed, the horse Argo. I won’t spoil anything by giving away the ending in any way, as I believe people should buy this game and see for themselves how expansive, colourful and detailed not only the landscape is, but the colossi and the character. As well as this, the storyline, although minimal, is tantalising and rich with twists and turns – in the end, this all comes to a tragic conclusion, which really does pull at your heart strings.
Either way, buy the game and play it. It’s incredible, and really does show movies how it should be done – in fact, there is a movie adaptation coming out of this game, which will probably, admittedly, be quite terrible and a waste of time. Just like the adaptation of Max Payne then.
New marking systerrrrrrrrrm:
The Wolfman - A Review
There are spoilers for the main plot-line in here. Though I’ll tell you, you’re not missing much by not seeing the film.
As I scour through the internet at 4am to find ‘Rugrats: The Movie’, I am forced to question what could have possibly driven me to this. Maybe I’ve finally snapped. Or perhaps trying to re-live my childhood? No, couldn’t be that, I hated the majority of the people involved in that period of my life. So I came to a conclusion: it’s the film I watched earlier. ‘The Wolfman’ is described by Wikipedia as “a 2010 American remake of the 1941 classic horror werewolf film of the same name. The original plot was significantly altered and expanded during the last half of the film”.
I’m forced to assume this is an insult to the substance of a film that I can only describe as so boring that a heart attack would be welcomed in order to spruce things up. The 1941 version must have been much better - we wouldn’t have heard about it so much if it was awful. It should also be noted that the effects department wasn’t as up to date back then - make-up team clearly had no other option but to stick pubic hair to the leading man’s face during the transformation process, trying to give a wolf look, but instead just making him look like man-bear-pig:
“I’m super cereal!”
It took me several viewings of ‘The Wolfman’ to see it all the way through to the end; every time I watched it I had other, more important things to do - such as give people abuse on the internet or put my face on other people’s pictures to make it look like I was there, when in fact I wasn’t.
When I was watching the film, I found my mind would drift from subject to subject in order to escape the nonsense I was witnessing: such as is Elmo immortal or do they use a different red….thing every time? Do they put the old Elmos down? That, and wondering what time the local shop closed, as I usually have a craving for Twiglets or some kind of alcohol (or maybe that’s the effect this film has on you).
Benicio Del Toro plays the main protagonist - Lawrence Talbot. As everyone is well aware, the main character is supposed to be the one we are usually siding with - aside from the main characters in ‘Funny People’; they were clearly meant to be hated. The people behind the film clearly had other ideas - you realise, very quickly, that he is a man who acts as though he is made of wood and glue (he’s a real boy!) as he trudges through the film with all the charisma of a adult movie actor on downers. He seems to adopt some kind of ‘holier than thou’ attitude, brushing off any kind of social etiquette and arguing with his Father at any given opportunity over not visiting for a while and presumably the choice of dip for dinner (not actually viewed, it’s just sensible to make the assumption).
One problem is his reactions, or lack of, to the situations he is placed in - in fact, the only time he really reacts is when his Father makes the ‘big reveal’ that he is a Werewolf too, and has been for a while. That, and he killed Lawrence’s mother and brother, so he’s not exactly a family man.
The maniac Father in question is played by Anthony Hopkins (because he never plays psychopaths), who gives the appearance that he is on some kind of strong medication that does not allow him to connect with reality. He talks almost entirely in riddles and quotes, almost like he is one of those toys you pull the string on, or a Furby, slowly adapting to his environment and society’s ways. He also has a very odd relationship with his servant, who seems badass throughout the film, and gives the impression he is knowledgeable of Werewolves, but dies before he gets to showcase this skill. The Father is revealed to be the alpha werewolf later on, and decides that one more family member mauling can’t hurt (why the police haven’t clocked on, I’ll never know), attempting to kill Lawrence. This backfires slightly when Lawrence kicks him into his own fireplace when they are both in their hairier selves.
Another part to be noticed is the amount of time it takes for the Werewolf to bite the protagonist, Lawrence, thus beginning his transformation into the monster that is the werewolf. This is ridiculous though - while investigating his brother’s death (which is down to Daddy), he is led to some Gypsies in the woods. Despite the local villager’s advice to not go into the woods on a full moon (when the ‘killer’ strikes periodically), he decides to give them the finger and go anyway, because he is Lawrence Talbot, and Lawrence Talbot does not give a toss.
Pictured: Not giving a toss.
Surprisingly, this doesn’t go well. He gets to the Gypsy camp (by which time he is met by the most stereotypical gypsies on planet Earth) and visits a fortune teller - because every gypsy camp has one. The werewolf turns up and creates chaos in the camp, killing a substantial amount of residents and ruining the annual barbecue. If this wasn’t bad enough, a child runs off by himself and, in a move that can only be described as completely illogical, Lawrence chooses to pursue him and presumably save the day. The wolfman gives him what-for, and bites him viciously, which I tried to hide a smile about but found impossible not to.
This all happens about 30 minutes into the film, but we have to wait until an hour in to see him transform. An hour. Just to be clear, the film is two hours long, so half the film is spent watching Lawrence trying to assure himself that he won’t die alone by hitting on his dead brother’s wife. He tries to seduce her by teaching her how to skim stones on a lake and being a general twerp, giving her the old ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ attitude, which surpringsingly works out for him; giving us an insight both into what life was like in the old times and the female psychy.
But think of this - half a film of waiting. It doesn’t work. In my mind, this is the ‘Bruce Banner’ theory. We don’t watch a film called ‘The Incredible Hulk’ to see Bruce Banner buttering his sandwiches and insulting his neighbours behind their backs to his relatives, we watch it for when he gets green and angry, knocking over a building or two, or perhaps some innocent bystander who happens to be wearing a jumper he doesn’t like.
The climax of the film is Lawrence having a tussle with his old man, which, as stated before, he wins (by hitting his burning Father’s head off - no joke needed here, that’s hilarious). Once this fight is done, the love of his life walks in to see Lawrence in his transformed state, who has no idea who she is. A policeman (the alleged ‘bad guy’) walks in and takes aim at him, ready to take down a local menace, but she has other ideas; screaming “Noo!” while hitting his hand up, forcing him to miss. This doesn’t go down well with Lawrence, who bites the hell out of the police officer, while she escapes (nice one, love).
Eventually Lawrence catches up and is ready to bite her face off, when she persuades him to remember her. He grows a momentary conscience, only to be distracted by a mob of people, who I am forced to presume want to kill him for his fur so they can make a nice wall decoration or carpet out of him. She then decides that despite him recognising her momentarily and thus showing some progress, she has to kill him because presumably “it’s the best thing for him”. She shoots him and then sees him transform back to his human self, who instead of yelling “I cannot believe you shot me!” simply thanks her for her effort and dies. One word: pushover.
This all comes as a relief to me really. The entire film was waiting - waiting for him to transform and then waiting more for the character to die so I could move on with my life. It was terrible. There is literally only one scene worth watching and that is when his father is playing piano and quotes something profound, as it’s quite interesting. That, and when he hits his Father’s head off. That’s bloody hilarious.
Anyhow, don’t see it. You will just be wasting your time, when you could be watching a film or documentary. Perhaps one about rabid dogs, which is essentially the same as this movie, only he grows a conscience every so often - sort of like after you’ve had sex with your best friend’s girlfriend, who just so happens to be a 10/10. I’m going to watch another film now, any other film really, to get that out of my mind.
‘Precious’ is described on Wikipedia as a story about an ‘obese, illiterate, 16-year-old Claireece “Precious” Jones living in the ghetto of Harlem with her dysfunctional and abusive mother, Mary. She has been impregnated twice by her father, Carl, and suffers long-term physical, sexual, and mental abuse from her unemployed mother’.
The appeal to this film for me was the instant impact of the DVD cover. See above.
I was interested to see what kind of problems (aside from with her heart) she would run into being a girl of that size. However, this point is almost completely irrelevant and not actually mentioned an awful lot - which was irritating because I was watching the film to see what kind of creative insults her classmates would come up with to mock her. In fact, this only happened once - someone said ‘F is for fat’ during an alphabet revision. I found this hilarious and creative, and while some people may find it cruel, just think - she’s addressing the issue of the elephant in room. Literally in this case.
In actual fact, she has an assortment of other problems that would make the average person consider either suicide or just moving somewhere else. Although she probably has attempted suicide, but when she tried hanging herself the ceiling came down and when she tried overdosing she remembered that she would need approximately enough drugs to take down a whale considering her size.
The first problem she immediately has is that her home life is crappier than Hugh Jackman’s acting - her Dad has molested her in the past, and it gives the indication that he’s done it before, despite this meaning that his molestation standards are incredibly low and that the experience must remind him of the days when he had a water-bed, or that time he jumped around on the bouncy castle. She gets pregnant (for the second time) at the age of 16, though nobody noticed the bump strangely enough. Maybe she hides it well.
And her Mum is the real star bitch of the movie - she mocks a child with down’s syndrome, tells her daughter she should have had an abortion and knowingly lets her boyfriend molest their daughter. On top of this, she tries to hit Precious with a frying pan and misses, which can’t be an easy thing to do, considering the size of the target. She gets her chance to fight later though - grappling with Precious in front of her newborn, rolling around the house. This ends in tradegy when Precious knocks the TV over on purpose, essentially eliminating all of her mother’s daily activities in one fell swoop. She doesn’t take too kindly to this, and hurls the TV down a stairwell, aiming for Precious and her grandchild, but misses once again. When you miss what is essentially a human Snorlax twice, that’s pretty much the definition of failure. Clearly this frustration seeps through to her daily routine, and she decides to also have a go at sexing up Precious (hey, don’t blame her, molestation was the done thing back then), having a play at the other side of the fence. She also has hairy armpits, not bothering to keep her appearance in check in any way, aside from making the effort of putting clothes on.
On top of all this, Precious has to deal with switching schools due to bullying (no surprise there really, who eat all the pies?!) and often retreats into a fantasy world, where she is cheered simply for being her, but curiously still looks the same, no weight loss or anything. As well as that, her problems include looking after her mom, who complains about the lack of food constantly (presumably Precious ate it all), being about as literate as a 3 year old child and having a child of her own. Later on it’s revealed that her father had AIDs, so she gets herself checked out - only to find out she has it too. Cue Team America! So now she’s dying too, but continues to soldier on.
The final blow comes when we learn that her Dad has been molesting her since the age of 3; although this didn’t come as a massive surprise, though it was supposed to. This is the twist of the movie, sort of. But by now you would think that some good thing would happen to Precious. Surely? But no, she carries on her pathetic life, and even smiles at the end, walking with her kids to what is presumably her next meal. She’s still fighting the good fight for AIDs ridden, obese, 16 year old mothers out there. Props to you girl!
In actual fact the whole film was pretty boring, waiting for something good to happen. It never comes. She gets molested, gets AIDs, has problems at home, gets pregnant (and breastfeeds later, putting me off my dinner) and continues to remain optimistic. I can’t see how that’s inspiring - can’t she just get help or move, it seems moronic to continue to live in an environment that she believes will pay her back one day when it’s just not going to happen.
Even Mariah Carey can’t save this film - she actually looks awful in it. Which is a shame. Although, there is a teacher who is a lesbian, giving the much need eye candy for the male viewers. It’s trying too hard to shock or inspire. The only thing it may have inspired is fat people to stop eating as much, otherwise they will end up looking like her.
Either way, don’t see it. It’s not uplifting as promised, and will leave you in more of a place of resounding depression and annoyance that you have wasted two hours of your life watching an unfunny version of the Nutty Professor: The Daughter’s Story. And the Nutty Professor was awful.